Does he? Ronan doesn’t know what that means, what sets him apart from any other person Declan has thrust himself into, why he is the one his brother chose for this.
He can feel Declan’s excitement building, though. He feels it through his whole body, quaking with every jerk of Declan’s hips. It’s not violent, but it’s increasingly reckless, like something that was hidden inside his brother is clawing its way out of him and in to Ronan. Or like there’s something inside Ronan and Declan is desperately chasing it, trying to force it out of him. It’s starting to feel like Declan wants to split right through him.
He’s feeling so much inside him that his legs have gone numb in comparison, an odd paralysis that’s turning him into little more than a vessel for Declan’s need. He leaves all of it in Declan’s control, lying beneath him and allowing his limbs to be repositioned however Declan pleases. Even the hand at his cock feels like it’s more for Declan’s benefit than his own. To ease the guilt, maybe. As long as Ronan stays hard, it means he likes it, and that means Declan can keep doing it.
Ronan realizes he’s making a sound - a gasping, whimpering sound - and he doesn’t know how long he’s been making it.
Ronan's voice echoes through his head. It doesn't sound like pain and Declan prays that it isn't.
Even in dreams, he can't last forever. Maybe especially not in one that feels nearly real. When Declan feels the sharp, delicious peak his mind goes blank. Does he push deep or pull out? Is one more damning than the other? Ronan has already swallowed him, maybe it makes no difference now. A wordless moan tears from him when he finally comes; he doesn't pull out. Instead he rides the rush of his momentum, the urgent insistence that he keep moving, keep doing something, until he has nothing left.
He stays where he is. Declan bows his head to touch his brow to Ronan's shoulder, eyes closed as relief and a different kind of tension war inside him. He lets go of Ronan's dick so he can touch his face, fingers surprisingly steady as they stroke down his cheek and his neck. Declan can't bring himself to open his eyes just yet. What if all he sees is reproach? Or something worse? He relaxes his grip on Ronan's hand, tries to shift his weight so he isn't pinning it down so completely.
All he can hear is their ragged breathing and the thud of someone's heart - his or Ronan's. Maybe both thundering away in time.
It isn’t pain. It’s excruciating pleasure. It’s the kind of heat that makes him feel like he’s committed every imaginable sin and fallen straight into Hell. Declan has thrown him into a wicked rapture and Ronan loses himself in it.
And then he bursts. Not Ronan, but Declan. He thrusts deep and Ronan feels the throbbing rush of his brother’s release filling him with seed. And Declan doesn’t stop. He keeps pumping and pumping, and Ronan feels the overflow spilling from him, and he wonders if this loop will just keep going. Will he wake now to find his brother licking him clean, only to dirty him again? And again? Has he only ever existed for this purpose?
Declan’s touch draws him back, tender hands caressing his face, reassuring and desperate for his reassurance in turn. It doesn’t surprise him when he finds that Declan can’t look at him now. He knew that’d be the price.
Ronan reaches for him, thumbs sliding along his jaw, fingers lacing at his nape. He lifts up just enough to brush a kiss to his brother’s lips. “Stay there,” Ronan tells him, with a shift of his hips to ensure Declan doesn’t try to pull out of him. “I don’t want you to go.”
But it isn't terribly long before Declan finds the courage to open his eyes. Ronan's hands and lips are gentle; Declan meets his brother's gaze.
"I'm not going anywhere," he murmurs. Declan brushes a kiss to the bridge of Ronan's nose, then his lips. "You have me."
He says it without reservation and with a tenderness he so very rarely expresses. The weight of Ronan's hands against the back of his neck is a comfort, but as he shifts his position, his attention is drawn back to his brother's cock still trapped between their bodies.
"What do you want?" he asks quietly, voice low and warm as he brushes a hand down Ronan's chest and stomach. He rubs his palm over the slick head of Ronan's erection, then strokes down the length.
Ronan shivers with that touch, a soft hiss rushing past his lips. What does he want? He wants it all. There's been no part of this he hasn't wanted so badly it feels like his body and soul are unraveling with it.
What he thinks Declan means is: Why haven't you come yet? And the answer to that is one he can't give, because speaking it will cast a judgment on Declan that he doesn't want to burden him with. The answer is that he doesn't want to be the kind of sinner who climaxes at his brother's touch, even if he is the kind of person who will let his brother take him over and over, in every way he pleases.
If Ronan gives in, all hope is lost. They'll never be able to resist this again. It will become what they do to each other, what they mean to each other.
"I..."
His hips rock slowly in pursuit of Declan's touch, and as he moves, he can feel the persistent fullness of his brother inside him. It draws a sigh out of him.
His eyebrows draw together and his hand stills. Even with every sigh and shift, every moan and tremble, Ronan will not ask for what Declan has taken. It hasn't been one-sided, has it? The little rock beneath him, Ronan moving between his hand and his cock--is he wicked for wanting to see Ronan satisfied?
He is wicked for wanting his brother at all.
"Ronan--" But he doesn't know what to say. How profane would it to tell him that he loves him? He brushes his fingers against Ronan's hair. This is so far from the detached fantasies they've played out before. This isn't Bali, it's Ronan's bed. This isn't effortless teasing and banter, this is--intimate.
I have everything I want.
What has he done? Why did he let the dream change? Why, why--
Don't overthink it.
Declan closes his eyes for a moment. The last thing he wants is for this to get dark, to invite anything truly nightmarish. So he takes a few breaths to settle his swirling anxieties as his thumb brushes along Ronan's temple.
"Don't," Ronan pleads quietly. Declan may be capable of hiding every single one of his feelings when it comes to the world outside, but between them, Ronan experiences it all. "Don't regret it now. I'm not going to be sorry I gave you what you wanted, so you shouldn't be sorry, either."
It changes nothing about the fact that this happened. No part of Declan's guilt can erase the urges that drove him to this. If Ronan is going to be the place where Declan takes these impulses, he can't also be the one to absolve him. That's asking the impossible.
He can see that Declan's going to keep beating himself up about it until he understands why his brother hasn't gotten the same satisfaction, though, so Ronan continues, "It's your wet dream. It always is. I've never come a single time, any time we've dreamt together, because I'm just a part of you right now. And usually you make a version of me who does what you want, but today you just asked for... me."
Does that make sense? It probably doesn't. No one ever really understands what it means to be one thing and at the same time everything.
"If you want me to really feel it, you'd have to make it happen out there."
Ronan's candor helps; Declan's been living around dreams his entire life, and it isn't impossible for him to grasp what his brother describes. He won't ever know what it's like from Ronan's side and it's an easy thing to forget in the midst of it all. It was easy to forget this is still a dream at all, that it's Declan's dream. A faint smile tugs his mouth.
"I don't regret asking for just you," he murmurs. It isn't the fantasy of Ronan and it isn't his power that Declan loves. It's him. Just him. Maybe that will make it worse in the end, but it's out there now.
He finally releases Ronan's erection so both hands can hold his head. Declan kisses him. Could he do this out there? No. He never reaches for what he wants when he's awake, too determined to protect what family he has left, and Ronan deserves to give himself to whoever he wants. Declan will love him all the same.
Ronan doesn't want to find out what this would do to them if they made it their reality, but given Declan's intention in bringing them here, he suspects it would be... exactly like this. He would feel exactly this fragile, this frightened, this ashamed. The truth is, even if Declan did pursue it, he doesn't think he could deliver the reaction his brother wants from him.
But he also wouldn't put a stop to it. He wouldn't pull away, or even allow Declan to sulk off in humiliation. He would still give all of himself to his brother, because he does believe that Declan loves him, and because they're all they have.
Maybe time would make him less afraid. Maybe Declan could coax him to release.
There's no sense in trying to figure it out here. Don't think, he reminds himself. He accepts Declan's kiss, allowing himself to return it with a slow and sensual caress of his lips.
Then he murmurs, "If you did..."
Should he do this? A dream, giving away the secrets to accessing his true self, when he can't be sure they're actually the same.
"If you did... want to. For real. Start slower. Do it to me in my sleep."
"In your sleep..." he echoes, watching Ronan's face as he does. He tries to keep the imagine of it at bay; Declan knows very intimately what Ronan looks like when he's sleeping, when he's dreaming. He knows what he looks like the moment the dreaming starts. As a boy he'd try to wake his brother up, try to keep him from manifesting something frightening or something Niall would have to take away or something that could hurt them, even if Ronan didn't mean for it to. Sometimes he managed; sometimes he missed.
Now he just stands watch while Ronan works, either at Ronan's behest or because they're somewhere that's not ideal.
If, Ronan says, as if it were even an option. If, as if it were entirely up to Declan.
Ronan's gaze lingers on Declan's lips before lifting to meet his eyes again. Can he trust his own words? He's a fantasy instructing Declan on how to play out a fantasy. His priority isn't virtue or safety. It's granting a wish.
He rocks his hips forward, reminding himself and Declan both that he remains buried deep. It may not be right, but it is good, the physical evidence of his brother's devotion to him. Ronan has been so lonely for so long, untouched by anyone except in violence. And all the while, Declan has been waiting for his chance to reach out.
"I know you wanna take care of me," Ronan says, guiding Declan's hand back to his cock. Just because Ronan can't really come for him here doesn't mean he has to stop fondling. "What I don't know won't hurt me."
Declan's hand curls around Ronan's erection to resume steady stroking. Ronan feels good against his hand; what would it feel like to really touch him? His little brother is giving him a road map, but could he bring himself to follow it? What lays at the end?
Right this second, it doesn't matter. Ronan rocks against him, reminding them both of how close they are, how good Ronan feels around him. It is, it's good and if this is the last time he feels it, he wants to remember. Ronan is one of the only people that's ever been this close to him, that's known him this intimately. The only person to have seen even a flicker of his fantasies and desires.
"Always."
Keeping things from Ronan, either by omission or flat out lying, has been a part of his life for a long time. What he doesn't know can hurt him. Declan kisses Ronan.
Ronan's lips part for that kiss, inviting Declan to savor him. Mouth dragging slowly against mouth, tongue caressing tongue, breathing the other's breath. Declan has claimed him, fed him, filled him. Whether or not Declan chooses to sneak into his room this morning, Ronan will wake with the taste of his brother on his tongue.
His reality is arbitrary. It's Declan's reality that Ronan worries about.
Rolling forward again, he thrusts into his brother's hand and begins to fuck it. The jerking of his hips is a small and subtle movement, but each pump has him tightening around Declan inside him, urging him back to arousal.
Ronan breaks the kiss to warn him, "You'll wake up soon." He pushes forward, taking Declan as deep as he can. "Give me a little more to bring back with me."
A shiver rolls through him when Ronan makes his plea. It takes nothing to start moving again, to meet the rock of Ronan's hips. He knows, he knows, that Ronan will almost certainly wake up with Declan's come inside him and knowing that makes everything in him ache. What would it be like to slip into Ronan's room while he's still asleep, just like this, outside of a dream?
Christ.
He thinks of the taste on his tongue and the way Ronan's cock felt filling his mouth. Things he wants to take with him when he wakes because this may be the end of all of it. Declan moves with more purpose, chasing the edge of need that went quiet while they lay together. He's already on the edge; he leans down to kiss Ronan again, muffling his own moan when he feels that sharp, familiar pleasure.
This can't possibly be the end of it all. Declan's urges won't magically disappear with the morning light. The dreams will continue with or without Ronan's assistance. And even if Ronan barely qualifies as a person, he will always be Declan's brother.
He sees the fantasies flashing through Declan's mind, equal parts memory and wish. For him, most of the details will fade within an hour, rinsed off in the shower along with the rest of his mess. It's Ronan who will live with the experience as vividly as if Declan had crept into his room and pushed inside him again and again. If Declan hopes to spare him somehow in keeping away, it's already too late.
Ronan swallows his brother's moans with a reassuring kiss. In every plunge, he can feel Declan's pleasure building as if it's his own. "Yes," Ronan gasps against his lips, in answer to the questions that Declan doesn't speak out loud. He's so close, even if it's impossible to join his brother in orgasm here. "Go as soon as you wake up. Put your mouth on me and it'll be enough. I'm so ready to come for you right now. I'm saving every drop for you. God, Declan..."
His brother's pleading voice fills his head, the words wrapping around him like a vice. It'll be enough. He trembles on top of Ronan and drags him into another kiss, and another, swallowing the sound of him and committing his lips to memory. He doesn't realize that he's still whispering Ronan's name between kisses and he's not sure if he's begging, praising, promising, or praying. It doesn't matter.
Declan lets go of Ronan's cock so he can cradle his face. His thumbs sweep across the blush on Ronan's cheeks and he feels light-headed. Is this what the edge of waking feels like? He doesn't want to give this up.
Ronan mirrors the gesture, his thumbs caressing Declan's cheeks, palms cradling him close. He drinks down the love and desire his brother pours into every gasped syllable of his name, understanding himself as Declan's quest, his deity. He accepts this worshipful supplication and answers it by granting the wish Declan wants to turn into reality.
His thighs hug Declan's hips and everything inside him tightens to draw out the most pleasure he can offer his brother in these final moments. He'd begged for Declan to fill him a moment ago, and his body begs for it, too.
"You don't have to give up anything," Ronan tells him in the seconds before they break. "It's there for the taking."
It's the last thing Declan really hears. He gasps sharply and he feels like he's falling.
Waking is a slower process. Declan opens his eyes and it takes him a minute to remember where he is. His bedroom, his bed, in their little safe house. He sits up slowly and pushes his fingers through his tousled curls. What a fucking dream--
The dream.
The groggy feeling fades faster as his heart beat jumps. Declan slides out of his bed and, with some embarrassment, sheds the pajama bottoms he'd been wearing: he had a wet dream and the evidence is on his hip and the fabric. He pulls on a different pair before he leaves his room. The house is still pre-dawn dark, he didn't think to check his phone for the time.
It feels like deja vu as he follows his feet to Ronan's room. The door is cracked, easy to push open. The blackout curtains are drawn, but there's a sliver of pale light cutting across Ronan's bed.
It isn't exactly like the dream. Realistic as it had been, mundane reality has a sharpness to it that even the most detailed dream can't replicate. The truth of a dream is untethered while the truth of reality is weighted by gravity. Not entirely fixed, but captured nonetheless.
Where the dream - for all its depravity - had been tempered by Declan's own shame and misgivings about his desire, this reality is raw and uncensored. Ronan isn't wrapped like a present to be slowly revealed. He's sprawled out on the bed like he's been carelessly discarded there, every inch of him uncovered, with only the shadows to grant him some dignity.
And shadows aren't enough to conceal the thing that was promised to Declan by the dream. His skin is so white, even this dim light outlines his form against the dark. He's hard as marble, gleaming with the smear of Declan's sin like it's a polish that's been painted down his thighs - not a secret to be discovered by probing fingers, but everywhere. Undeniable.
There are no headphones to silence the sound of his brother's approach this time, either. But it doesn't matter. Never did. As Declan's subconscious made very clear to him, it's here for the taking. For at least the next few minutes, Ronan can do nothing.
Ronan is exposed and Declan can see all the evidence of his sin on his brother's thighs. The arousal it threatens to stir makes him feel lightheaded, and without thinking, he slips into the room.
It's more vivid than the dream, which feels unexpected when that felt so real. But this--this is the waking world and Ronan is laying there, aching hard. For him? God...
Declan sinks onto the bed, and just like the dream, he tries not to think of anything beyond what Ronan said to him. Was it real? Was it just a fantasy he wanted to hear? Too late. His sin has filled his brother and Ronan deserves release.
What I don't know won't hurt me. I'm saving every last drop for you.
Those sweet words twist inside his head and Declan can hear himself sigh as his and wraps around Ronan's erection, slick with precome. Is this his doing, too? Lost, Declan leans down to taste his brother's cock. Ronan is heavy and hot in his mouth, overwhelming his senses until his world narrows to just this. He strokes down Ronan's length as he focuses on the head.
Was it just a fantasy he wanted to hear? Of course it was. It was a dream, and everything inside the dream - every act Ronan performed, every word he spoke, every thought he had - was in service to Declan’s wish.
But it was real, too. At least, it’s real now. The dream has been delivered into the real world. Here he is: a feast for his brother, who has been starved for him all these years. Maybe longer than either of them ever realized.
Ronan can’t feel what Declan is doing to him. Not yet. He watches it from outside himself, as dizzy with shock as a disembodied consciousness can possibly be.
Declan doesn’t even hesitate. He must truly believe it, that Ronan doesn’t know it’s happening, because he descends like a vulture. He moves so swiftly for his prize that Ronan thinks he’s about to recreate the entire dream in the space of a few minutes, to finish again before his brother wakes to find him there.
But Ronan is already awake, fully aware of the act without receiving any of the reward. He wonders if he should be touched that Declan attempts to pleasure him first, this time. Even that, though, seems like just another path to Declan’s gratification. He hears the way his brother sighs, like he’s in ecstasy now that he can finally get a taste of his divine little brother. Ronan nearly convinces himself he’s still in the dream, caught in a loop, Inception-style, but he knows that he isn’t. This is happening to his body right now.
He remembers the dream's instructions, tries to remind himself that he should do this before Ronan fully wakes--God, no, he shouldn't be doing this at all. His sins are written across his brother's body because Ronan's dreams are real, and Ronan has made Declan's dreams manifest here. Or at least the evidence of them.
Declan slides his mouth down as far as he can take, then lets Ronan's cock slip free; his hand doesn't stop its steady stroking. He presses his mouth to his brother's hip, lets his brow rest there for a moment as he fights with the wave of self-loathing that threatens to crest the way his pleasure had earlier. Don't, don't. There is no turning a dream into nightmares here.
His lips trail over bone, he lets his teeth skate the warm skin. He should do this quickly. He should leave. But, selfishly, he stays, he draws this out. What will happen when Ronan moves again? He shouldn't want to find out. Wickedly, he wants to taste Ronan and he wants to taste himself on Ronan's skin. Declan's free hand glides over his brother's bare thigh as he considers turning him.
For a terrible moment, it looks like Declan has changed his mind. Now that their thoughts are no longer linked, Ronan has no idea what's going through his brother's head. He can only speculate about the degree of horror and shame that's at war with Declan's affection for him. When Declan's mouth abandons his cock, he has to assume the battle is over and decency has won.
Rather than slipping away from him and retreating from the room, however, his brother stays close. He kisses Ronan's skin and keeps stroking, and when Declan opts to rest a moment and then go exploring, Ronan realizes that he's dragging it out on purpose. He's delaying in the hopes of being discovered.
To what end? So that he's caught, so that there are consequences? Or is it because he's hoping his real brother will be as indulgent as the dreamt Ronan?
He won't have to wait long for the answer. The perspective shifts and Ronan realizes he can feel Declan's hands on him, one massaging pleasure into him and the other debating which part of him to molest next. It's too early for Ronan to react to either of these, but at least he's no longer a bystander.
Declan doesn't feel like he's hoping for anything. Maybe if Ronan wakes and gives him a concussion it will cure him of this. This entire endeavor is selfish; he shouldn't be here.
But, God help him, he is.
His attention drifts back to his brother's erection and he shouldn't be so attracted to it, to him. His lips trail reverently up the length before he guides Ronan back into his mouth. Not quite as practiced as he is with women; being painfully heterosexual in all of his public relationships is just another way to fade into the background. Ashley after Ashley. Never any feelings there; far to many here.
He adjusts his position and bobs down carefully, not quite wanting to test his control over his gag reflex. But Ronan is hot and heavy in his mouth and Declan is ashamed of the quiet moan that escapes him. He chases the taste of Ronan's precome, tongue teasing as he slides back, then down. For a few blessed seconds, his mind goes blank.
This is the most torturous déjà vu he's ever experienced. It was a mistake to ever give Declan access to the power he must have coveted since the day Ronan was born. No one ever really knows what to do with the power to make their dreams come true, but it's instantly addictive. A corrupting influence, inherently selfish, which naturally drives the user to self-gratification.
For all the turbulence between them over the years, Ronan knows that his brother is a good person. There's no one to blame for the evil he's doing except Ronan himself.
And Ronan... Oh, he always knew he belonged in Hell. From the first stirrings of his sexual awakening, he knew. That the warmth of his brother's mouth is the greatest pleasure he's ever known really comes as no surprise. Frozen as he is in lingering paralysis, his cock becomes the only part of him that actually exists. As Declan works his way down, Ronan feels like he's being swallowed whole.
He longs to reach out, to tangle his fingers in his brother's hair. To push him away? To pull him closer? Ronan doesn't know.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He's been so aroused for so long that his body doesn't give him a chance to regain movement. Lightning strikes his nerves, a burst of heat that shoots down his body and spills out of him before he fully comprehends what's happening. His cock pulses in climax, spraying into the mouth that's firmly closed around it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He can feel Declan’s excitement building, though. He feels it through his whole body, quaking with every jerk of Declan’s hips. It’s not violent, but it’s increasingly reckless, like something that was hidden inside his brother is clawing its way out of him and in to Ronan. Or like there’s something inside Ronan and Declan is desperately chasing it, trying to force it out of him. It’s starting to feel like Declan wants to split right through him.
He’s feeling so much inside him that his legs have gone numb in comparison, an odd paralysis that’s turning him into little more than a vessel for Declan’s need. He leaves all of it in Declan’s control, lying beneath him and allowing his limbs to be repositioned however Declan pleases. Even the hand at his cock feels like it’s more for Declan’s benefit than his own. To ease the guilt, maybe. As long as Ronan stays hard, it means he likes it, and that means Declan can keep doing it.
Ronan realizes he’s making a sound - a gasping, whimpering sound - and he doesn’t know how long he’s been making it.
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Even in dreams, he can't last forever. Maybe especially not in one that feels nearly real. When Declan feels the sharp, delicious peak his mind goes blank. Does he push deep or pull out? Is one more damning than the other? Ronan has already swallowed him, maybe it makes no difference now. A wordless moan tears from him when he finally comes; he doesn't pull out. Instead he rides the rush of his momentum, the urgent insistence that he keep moving, keep doing something, until he has nothing left.
He stays where he is. Declan bows his head to touch his brow to Ronan's shoulder, eyes closed as relief and a different kind of tension war inside him. He lets go of Ronan's dick so he can touch his face, fingers surprisingly steady as they stroke down his cheek and his neck. Declan can't bring himself to open his eyes just yet. What if all he sees is reproach? Or something worse? He relaxes his grip on Ronan's hand, tries to shift his weight so he isn't pinning it down so completely.
All he can hear is their ragged breathing and the thud of someone's heart - his or Ronan's. Maybe both thundering away in time.
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And then he bursts. Not Ronan, but Declan. He thrusts deep and Ronan feels the throbbing rush of his brother’s release filling him with seed. And Declan doesn’t stop. He keeps pumping and pumping, and Ronan feels the overflow spilling from him, and he wonders if this loop will just keep going. Will he wake now to find his brother licking him clean, only to dirty him again? And again? Has he only ever existed for this purpose?
Declan’s touch draws him back, tender hands caressing his face, reassuring and desperate for his reassurance in turn. It doesn’t surprise him when he finds that Declan can’t look at him now. He knew that’d be the price.
Ronan reaches for him, thumbs sliding along his jaw, fingers lacing at his nape. He lifts up just enough to brush a kiss to his brother’s lips. “Stay there,” Ronan tells him, with a shift of his hips to ensure Declan doesn’t try to pull out of him. “I don’t want you to go.”
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"I'm not going anywhere," he murmurs. Declan brushes a kiss to the bridge of Ronan's nose, then his lips. "You have me."
He says it without reservation and with a tenderness he so very rarely expresses. The weight of Ronan's hands against the back of his neck is a comfort, but as he shifts his position, his attention is drawn back to his brother's cock still trapped between their bodies.
"What do you want?" he asks quietly, voice low and warm as he brushes a hand down Ronan's chest and stomach. He rubs his palm over the slick head of Ronan's erection, then strokes down the length.
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What he thinks Declan means is: Why haven't you come yet? And the answer to that is one he can't give, because speaking it will cast a judgment on Declan that he doesn't want to burden him with. The answer is that he doesn't want to be the kind of sinner who climaxes at his brother's touch, even if he is the kind of person who will let his brother take him over and over, in every way he pleases.
If Ronan gives in, all hope is lost. They'll never be able to resist this again. It will become what they do to each other, what they mean to each other.
"I..."
His hips rock slowly in pursuit of Declan's touch, and as he moves, he can feel the persistent fullness of his brother inside him. It draws a sigh out of him.
"I have everything I want."
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He is wicked for wanting his brother at all.
"Ronan--" But he doesn't know what to say. How profane would it to tell him that he loves him? He brushes his fingers against Ronan's hair. This is so far from the detached fantasies they've played out before. This isn't Bali, it's Ronan's bed. This isn't effortless teasing and banter, this is--intimate.
I have everything I want.
What has he done? Why did he let the dream change? Why, why--
Don't overthink it.
Declan closes his eyes for a moment. The last thing he wants is for this to get dark, to invite anything truly nightmarish. So he takes a few breaths to settle his swirling anxieties as his thumb brushes along Ronan's temple.
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It changes nothing about the fact that this happened. No part of Declan's guilt can erase the urges that drove him to this. If Ronan is going to be the place where Declan takes these impulses, he can't also be the one to absolve him. That's asking the impossible.
He can see that Declan's going to keep beating himself up about it until he understands why his brother hasn't gotten the same satisfaction, though, so Ronan continues, "It's your wet dream. It always is. I've never come a single time, any time we've dreamt together, because I'm just a part of you right now. And usually you make a version of me who does what you want, but today you just asked for... me."
Does that make sense? It probably doesn't. No one ever really understands what it means to be one thing and at the same time everything.
"If you want me to really feel it, you'd have to make it happen out there."
Out of the question, no doubt.
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"I don't regret asking for just you," he murmurs. It isn't the fantasy of Ronan and it isn't his power that Declan loves. It's him. Just him. Maybe that will make it worse in the end, but it's out there now.
He finally releases Ronan's erection so both hands can hold his head. Declan kisses him. Could he do this out there? No. He never reaches for what he wants when he's awake, too determined to protect what family he has left, and Ronan deserves to give himself to whoever he wants. Declan will love him all the same.
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But he also wouldn't put a stop to it. He wouldn't pull away, or even allow Declan to sulk off in humiliation. He would still give all of himself to his brother, because he does believe that Declan loves him, and because they're all they have.
Maybe time would make him less afraid. Maybe Declan could coax him to release.
There's no sense in trying to figure it out here. Don't think, he reminds himself. He accepts Declan's kiss, allowing himself to return it with a slow and sensual caress of his lips.
Then he murmurs, "If you did..."
Should he do this? A dream, giving away the secrets to accessing his true self, when he can't be sure they're actually the same.
"If you did... want to. For real. Start slower. Do it to me in my sleep."
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Now he just stands watch while Ronan works, either at Ronan's behest or because they're somewhere that's not ideal.
If, Ronan says, as if it were even an option. If, as if it were entirely up to Declan.
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He rocks his hips forward, reminding himself and Declan both that he remains buried deep. It may not be right, but it is good, the physical evidence of his brother's devotion to him. Ronan has been so lonely for so long, untouched by anyone except in violence. And all the while, Declan has been waiting for his chance to reach out.
"I know you wanna take care of me," Ronan says, guiding Declan's hand back to his cock. Just because Ronan can't really come for him here doesn't mean he has to stop fondling. "What I don't know won't hurt me."
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Right this second, it doesn't matter. Ronan rocks against him, reminding them both of how close they are, how good Ronan feels around him. It is, it's good and if this is the last time he feels it, he wants to remember. Ronan is one of the only people that's ever been this close to him, that's known him this intimately. The only person to have seen even a flicker of his fantasies and desires.
"Always."
Keeping things from Ronan, either by omission or flat out lying, has been a part of his life for a long time. What he doesn't know can hurt him. Declan kisses Ronan.
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His reality is arbitrary. It's Declan's reality that Ronan worries about.
Rolling forward again, he thrusts into his brother's hand and begins to fuck it. The jerking of his hips is a small and subtle movement, but each pump has him tightening around Declan inside him, urging him back to arousal.
Ronan breaks the kiss to warn him, "You'll wake up soon." He pushes forward, taking Declan as deep as he can. "Give me a little more to bring back with me."
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Christ.
He thinks of the taste on his tongue and the way Ronan's cock felt filling his mouth. Things he wants to take with him when he wakes because this may be the end of all of it. Declan moves with more purpose, chasing the edge of need that went quiet while they lay together. He's already on the edge; he leans down to kiss Ronan again, muffling his own moan when he feels that sharp, familiar pleasure.
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He sees the fantasies flashing through Declan's mind, equal parts memory and wish. For him, most of the details will fade within an hour, rinsed off in the shower along with the rest of his mess. It's Ronan who will live with the experience as vividly as if Declan had crept into his room and pushed inside him again and again. If Declan hopes to spare him somehow in keeping away, it's already too late.
Ronan swallows his brother's moans with a reassuring kiss. In every plunge, he can feel Declan's pleasure building as if it's his own. "Yes," Ronan gasps against his lips, in answer to the questions that Declan doesn't speak out loud. He's so close, even if it's impossible to join his brother in orgasm here. "Go as soon as you wake up. Put your mouth on me and it'll be enough. I'm so ready to come for you right now. I'm saving every drop for you. God, Declan..."
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His brother's pleading voice fills his head, the words wrapping around him like a vice. It'll be enough. He trembles on top of Ronan and drags him into another kiss, and another, swallowing the sound of him and committing his lips to memory. He doesn't realize that he's still whispering Ronan's name between kisses and he's not sure if he's begging, praising, promising, or praying. It doesn't matter.
Declan lets go of Ronan's cock so he can cradle his face. His thumbs sweep across the blush on Ronan's cheeks and he feels light-headed. Is this what the edge of waking feels like? He doesn't want to give this up.
I'm saving every drop for you.
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His thighs hug Declan's hips and everything inside him tightens to draw out the most pleasure he can offer his brother in these final moments. He'd begged for Declan to fill him a moment ago, and his body begs for it, too.
"You don't have to give up anything," Ronan tells him in the seconds before they break. "It's there for the taking."
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Waking is a slower process. Declan opens his eyes and it takes him a minute to remember where he is. His bedroom, his bed, in their little safe house. He sits up slowly and pushes his fingers through his tousled curls. What a fucking dream--
The dream.
The groggy feeling fades faster as his heart beat jumps. Declan slides out of his bed and, with some embarrassment, sheds the pajama bottoms he'd been wearing: he had a wet dream and the evidence is on his hip and the fabric. He pulls on a different pair before he leaves his room. The house is still pre-dawn dark, he didn't think to check his phone for the time.
It feels like deja vu as he follows his feet to Ronan's room. The door is cracked, easy to push open. The blackout curtains are drawn, but there's a sliver of pale light cutting across Ronan's bed.
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Where the dream - for all its depravity - had been tempered by Declan's own shame and misgivings about his desire, this reality is raw and uncensored. Ronan isn't wrapped like a present to be slowly revealed. He's sprawled out on the bed like he's been carelessly discarded there, every inch of him uncovered, with only the shadows to grant him some dignity.
And shadows aren't enough to conceal the thing that was promised to Declan by the dream. His skin is so white, even this dim light outlines his form against the dark. He's hard as marble, gleaming with the smear of Declan's sin like it's a polish that's been painted down his thighs - not a secret to be discovered by probing fingers, but everywhere. Undeniable.
There are no headphones to silence the sound of his brother's approach this time, either. But it doesn't matter. Never did. As Declan's subconscious made very clear to him, it's here for the taking. For at least the next few minutes, Ronan can do nothing.
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It's more vivid than the dream, which feels unexpected when that felt so real. But this--this is the waking world and Ronan is laying there, aching hard. For him? God...
Declan sinks onto the bed, and just like the dream, he tries not to think of anything beyond what Ronan said to him. Was it real? Was it just a fantasy he wanted to hear? Too late. His sin has filled his brother and Ronan deserves release.
What I don't know won't hurt me. I'm saving every last drop for you.
Those sweet words twist inside his head and Declan can hear himself sigh as his and wraps around Ronan's erection, slick with precome. Is this his doing, too? Lost, Declan leans down to taste his brother's cock. Ronan is heavy and hot in his mouth, overwhelming his senses until his world narrows to just this. He strokes down Ronan's length as he focuses on the head.
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But it was real, too. At least, it’s real now. The dream has been delivered into the real world. Here he is: a feast for his brother, who has been starved for him all these years. Maybe longer than either of them ever realized.
Ronan can’t feel what Declan is doing to him. Not yet. He watches it from outside himself, as dizzy with shock as a disembodied consciousness can possibly be.
Declan doesn’t even hesitate. He must truly believe it, that Ronan doesn’t know it’s happening, because he descends like a vulture. He moves so swiftly for his prize that Ronan thinks he’s about to recreate the entire dream in the space of a few minutes, to finish again before his brother wakes to find him there.
But Ronan is already awake, fully aware of the act without receiving any of the reward. He wonders if he should be touched that Declan attempts to pleasure him first, this time. Even that, though, seems like just another path to Declan’s gratification. He hears the way his brother sighs, like he’s in ecstasy now that he can finally get a taste of his divine little brother. Ronan nearly convinces himself he’s still in the dream, caught in a loop, Inception-style, but he knows that he isn’t. This is happening to his body right now.
God, how badly he wants to feel it.
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Declan slides his mouth down as far as he can take, then lets Ronan's cock slip free; his hand doesn't stop its steady stroking. He presses his mouth to his brother's hip, lets his brow rest there for a moment as he fights with the wave of self-loathing that threatens to crest the way his pleasure had earlier. Don't, don't. There is no turning a dream into nightmares here.
His lips trail over bone, he lets his teeth skate the warm skin. He should do this quickly. He should leave. But, selfishly, he stays, he draws this out. What will happen when Ronan moves again? He shouldn't want to find out. Wickedly, he wants to taste Ronan and he wants to taste himself on Ronan's skin. Declan's free hand glides over his brother's bare thigh as he considers turning him.
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Rather than slipping away from him and retreating from the room, however, his brother stays close. He kisses Ronan's skin and keeps stroking, and when Declan opts to rest a moment and then go exploring, Ronan realizes that he's dragging it out on purpose. He's delaying in the hopes of being discovered.
To what end? So that he's caught, so that there are consequences? Or is it because he's hoping his real brother will be as indulgent as the dreamt Ronan?
He won't have to wait long for the answer. The perspective shifts and Ronan realizes he can feel Declan's hands on him, one massaging pleasure into him and the other debating which part of him to molest next. It's too early for Ronan to react to either of these, but at least he's no longer a bystander.
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But, God help him, he is.
His attention drifts back to his brother's erection and he shouldn't be so attracted to it, to him. His lips trail reverently up the length before he guides Ronan back into his mouth. Not quite as practiced as he is with women; being painfully heterosexual in all of his public relationships is just another way to fade into the background. Ashley after Ashley. Never any feelings there; far to many here.
He adjusts his position and bobs down carefully, not quite wanting to test his control over his gag reflex. But Ronan is hot and heavy in his mouth and Declan is ashamed of the quiet moan that escapes him. He chases the taste of Ronan's precome, tongue teasing as he slides back, then down. For a few blessed seconds, his mind goes blank.
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For all the turbulence between them over the years, Ronan knows that his brother is a good person. There's no one to blame for the evil he's doing except Ronan himself.
And Ronan... Oh, he always knew he belonged in Hell. From the first stirrings of his sexual awakening, he knew. That the warmth of his brother's mouth is the greatest pleasure he's ever known really comes as no surprise. Frozen as he is in lingering paralysis, his cock becomes the only part of him that actually exists. As Declan works his way down, Ronan feels like he's being swallowed whole.
He longs to reach out, to tangle his fingers in his brother's hair. To push him away? To pull him closer? Ronan doesn't know.
It doesn't matter, anyway. He's been so aroused for so long that his body doesn't give him a chance to regain movement. Lightning strikes his nerves, a burst of heat that shoots down his body and spills out of him before he fully comprehends what's happening. His cock pulses in climax, spraying into the mouth that's firmly closed around it.
Declan's mouth. Declan's fucking mouth.
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